Aimless . . . without aim . . . purposeless . . . an arrow without a target, nothing more than a wooden shaft with feathers, fairly useless in a quiver without a bulls eye to seek.
Welcome to my world, August 2, 2019.
I am not sad, nor depressed. Simply aimless, anchorless, drifting through days, taking care of business, where the hell is that rudder, aware of the shifting tides but unaware of a solution.
It will come to me. It always does. In the past it was teaching, and the owning of businesses, farmers markets and volunteering, over fifty-five years of focus and goal-setting. Today it is nothing.
Perhaps it is all right. Perhaps, at seventy, it is all right to have no purpose in the daily meanderings. Perhaps it is all right to simply be.
But it doesn’t feel all right. Not at all! It feels . . . incomplete! I’m simply not ready to “retire” from life. I still have something of value to offer to society. I just don’t know which avenue I wish to travel on.
And so, for the time being, I write about it, and ruminate while on walks, and look inward for the truth I know exists but which has remained hidden to this point.
More naps these days
I had an interesting chat with my son, now thirty-four, about this matter. He was telling me he doesn’t understand people who work after retirement age. He was completely baffled by it. When he’s of age, he told me, he was going to shut it all down and actually be retired.
Different strokes for different folks.
I need to be doing something of value.
I’ll let you know when I come up with something.
Bill
“Helping writers to spread their wings and fly.”
Billybuc
Artistry With Words 
I think we all go through moments like this at different times of our lives. They usually happen right before a change, don’t they? I’m younger, but I still have moments when I feel this way. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Bill. There is value in just “being”, especially for a writer, and I’m sure these days of aimlessness will add value to your writing. I already learned something from you: all the synonyms and expressions of purposeless; so, if nothing else, you are still teaching 🙂
Thank you Emese! I’m sure it will pass…or the solution will just appear….it always works out.
I can see how disconcerting that must be. Sometimes we go through wilderness season but knowing you, you’ll find your purpose soon enough. Yes, keep us posted.
Thank you Lori! I will do that for sure.
Aw, Bill, I have had my moments even in recent time. So, I can say that I think it is only natural and normal. It is what we do to combat it that I think counts. That said, I am sure you will figure it out and get there. Until you do, I know you will keep on trying. Happy Tuesday now and sending my happy thoughts your way 🙂
Thank you Janine! I’m sure the solution will just appear out of the blue. I just wish it would hurry up. 🙂
I totally understand where you’re coming from. From what I think I know about you I don’t see you ever retiring. Maybe cutting back a bit but never fully retiring. I too feel that you’ll figure this out and it will probably come to you at the least expected time.
Susan, retirement is a foreign concept to me. I’m sure the day will come when I will have to, but not today. Thank you!
Hi Bill… looks like you and I have hit the same wall. The same direction without a compass or a goal has struck this cat as well. Try as I may to stay busy with writing, 28 novels published and I think I am running out of words.
Heading out the middle of this week for a few days of sailing and living aboard on a huge lake close by. Love the during the week trips as I basically have the lake to myself. I slip into any of the small sheltered bays and just soak in nature.
I am certain we will both find something to occupy our time with. It would be great for the two of us to just sit with coffee in one hand and a fishing pole in the other… follow your heart brother and it will lead you into something new and exciting…
Hugs from Canada
I like your solution at the end, Rolly…coffee and fishing. Maybe one day, eh? Until then, hugs coming your way, and thanks.
They say that people who stop working don’t live as long as people who keep working. Personally, I think I would rather be taking a walk in the park than taking a nap. Keep doing what you’re doing, writing and observing and creating.
Thank you Donna! Taking a nap is not an option. 🙂 I’ll do the only thing I know to do…just keep moving forward.
I totally get it. I’m retired, yet I can’t stop working. When there is no work to do, I feel empty, aimless as you have described. Oh well, I guess that’s just how it is for some folks. I hope we figure it out soon.
Marlene, people like you and I, we are workers. We have to be doing something. It’s in our DNA I’m afraid. Thank you for your support.
You had me thinking about 2011 when we first met on HP. (I want to write over there again…I need to figure out how to add more minutes to my days, haha.) Can you believe it’s been nearly 8 years? Yeowza!
Retirement. Now that I’ve entered my 4th decade, I find myself thinking about the life I’ve lived so far and what I would do if I didn’t work at a school part time and such.
Well, unless I could think of something better, I’m pretty content at the little school, I’m pretty content with the mindfulness and creative stuff. I could do all these things until the day I perish.
There was a day not too long ago where I made a deal with myself: if I got “out of the matrix” and eschewed the consumerist economy, I would just go ahead and do the things that make my heart sing – even if I never make much money at it. I do it for love. All these things. And for the connections I’ve made with people.
In fact, I am so deeply grateful for the connections I’ve made with the school, with my blog, with friends and family. I hadn’t realized how much I appreciate that support during these dark days…
Sending you hugs, Big Bro. Give your loved ones an extra hug for me. 💙
Lil Sis, I can’t image you ever retiring and doing nothing. You are a restless soul like me. At least we are aware of it and can adjust accordingly.
Hugs coming your way
You poor thing. I feel you, Bill. It’s a restless, frustrating feeling. You have all this ambition and motivation, but no outlet. I have days like that. I usually just putter around the house until something shinier grabs my attention.
I would suggest meditation. As I understand it, it’s supposed to help you focus and find your way. I suspect, however, your walks with Maggie are your way of meditating. You satisfy your need to do something while, really, doing nothing. Clever.
At any rate, I hope you find a way to fill the vacuum that leaving the farmer’s market has left. I don’t doubt you will. After all, nature abhors a vacuum.
Good day to you, Bill.
Thank you Zulma! You get it, I know you do, and I appreciate it. I’ll work it out. Solutions usually just appear out of thin air for me, and they appear sooner if I just clear my mind and allow them to enter. I’ll keep you posted.
Bill, you are doing something of value, silly man! Look how many people look forward to your thoughts, advice, and meanderings each day? Look at the animals that love and depend on you. Look at your beautiful wife who is your biggest cheerleader!
The fact that you actually now have time to walk with Nature and contemplate life, is a reward for busting your ass all these years. There’s nothing wrong with slowing down, otherwise life will simply pass right by you.
It’s okay to not have every minute of every day chained to a schedule.
You’re doing exactly what you are meant to do at this time. Perhaps revisit the 12/59. Me thinks your answers lie there. I’ve thought so all along. I’ll bet Bev will agree with me.
You are sweet, Sha, and a damned good friend. Thank you dear lady. Perhaps I will revisit the Shuttle and see what it has to tell me.
love,
bill
I totally get you, Bill.
Retirement is just a word and it’s always good to be busy!
I wish you the best as ideas pop in your mind to keep you going like a Duracell battery 🙂
Thank you Ruchira! It will all work out, I’m sure. I just have to be patient.
Bill
There are over a hundred drivers where I work. About 60% of whom are over 65, some are over 75, and a couple are in their 80s, but they love doing what they do (and yes, it’s a 40 hour week!)
Personally, I’m a few years away from 65, but I can’t imagine not working!
As you said “different strokes for different folks”
Well said, Lawrence! Well said indeed. I just don’t see “retirement” happening for me.
I often feel a sense of restlessness when I don’t know what I want and what will satisfy me – I suppose it’s just one of those cycles, or maybe it’s life telling us we don’t have to have purpose all of the time but some times are just for making space for something else to happen.
Thank you Andrea! I have decided to relax and wait for my inner voice to whisper direction. I’m sure it will happen sooner rather than later.
I think how you feel right now is something many of us experience. As for your 32-year-old son, I doubt he truly has an idea of how he will feel upon retirement. You were so busy in the summer with the farmer’s market and the large group of chickens, so maybe this is the first time you have had this amount of spare time, feeling like you need to fill the hours with something productive. I think a new opportunity will present itself when the time is right. It is something you can’t rush.
I am not a couch potato, and sitting around watching TV all day is not me and I know, not you. I have several hobbies and I enjoy writing. I physically can’t do what I use to accomplish, but I still find things to fill up my time. My frustration is my physical limitations. I can’t seem to change that and don’t want another 8-hour surgery. LOL
Be patient, relax as in addition to stacking wood, it will come.
Thanks for weighing in, Pamela. I think I would avoid another 8 hour surgery if possible too. 🙂 I’m sure my answers will come to me soon. I just need to be patient.
This was my July, Bill. This month I’ve been refocusing and recenter. It’s been a great summer and we’ve had fun but my work has definitely paid the price. Maybe it will be a good thing… maybe it will not. I just know I enjoyed while it was happening!
If you enjoyed yourself, Shell, then it’s all good. 🙂 Work will always be waiting for you.
That is definitely true…
Oh, Bill D: You’ve just described in a nutshell the malaise I’ve been suffering throughout this year. I do not want to die without achieving something good and memorable, and despite my family and friends pointing out to me how much I’ve already achieved, it’s not enough. Like you, I am not ready to retire, especially not to retire from having any dreams or goals. We will be a united front, you and I, and get each other through this. Is that a deal?
It is a deal, Sarah! It’s so nice to hear someone else say these things, feel these things, and understand what I’m talking about. Thank you my dear….keep in touch….we’ll walk this particular path together.
Well, your piece resonated with me. I don’t particularly like the feeling and am not the most patient person to wait it out. Since leaving the corporate world I have struggled with the beast on more than one occasion. Perhaps that my problem struggling instead of waiting for the answer or guide forward,
I have gone through several hobbies and enjoyed them but they were not the answer. Now I am deep in quilt making for others. It has grown by word of mouth and I now have 7 projects waiting. Still, during all this work, a sense of aimlessness can overcome me.
The resonancy of the piece and the many comments let me know I am not alone. Thank you for that,
A recurring theme is should I go for upscale and enlarge the production or do I just quit too soon,
Alas, tattering on about my stuff when I wanted to let you know the piece resonated.with me. Hope you find your way soon,
Kathleen, thanks so much for weighing in. It’s oddly nice knowing I’m not alone with these unsettling thoughts. I appreciate your support. Best wishes for both of us.
I’m with you: must do something of value. Haha. I cannot imagine doing “retired” – I think having a purpose for living is what gives a person motivation and the will to keep living. That also makes me think about something else: this society rewards material gain, but I’ve never been interested in that: I’m always after the “purpose”. Granted, I don’t like selling and I’m not so keen on the hamster wheel of always getting more degrees and working the corporate jobs. But part of the fun in life is figuring out how to have purpose, live out your values and live your best life. I haven’t figured it out yet but it sure is fun trying. 😊
It is fun trying, Lil Sis. As for figuring it out yet, maybe you won’t, but the journey is always the most fun anyway. 🙂 And I’m enjoying knowing you along this journey. Hugs from God’s Country!